Writer’s block

Creativity is a part of you and therefore always inside of you!

According to Wikipedia, a writer’s block is a condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work, or experiences a creative slowdown. Even though this effectively explains what the block is, to me it doesn’t really cover the essence, emotions or thoughts that I as a person went through with the block. I realised that I was going through it early enough when I stopped frequently updating this corner of my world, theboldafrican. I didn’t feel so bold.

There are many articles on how to overcome writer’s block, just google it. This is not one of those articles, even though I am writing again, I am not quite sure I can say that I have overcome it. Despite the fact that I am writing and posting again, I still feel uneasy as I write this. It feels like coming out of a deep slumber to find that the world didn’t wait for you and now you don’t know where to go from here.

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A big part of why I stopped was fear. Fear is funny, maybe not so much in a comic way but in a sardonic way. I knew it was fear that had made me stop. I was afraid of the topics I was writing about, I feared the responses and unknowingly offending people, Of my blog not having a main theme or of my words being interpreted the wrong way. And finally, I was afraid of success and the unknowns that come with it. I was afraid of a future, that in essence would never quite play out the way I imagined.

Fear is normal. I am going to get scared, but I refuse to let that stop me. I love to write, it’s an expression of who I am, an extension of me brought out from my experiences. It helps me reflect and release emotions that are piled up inside of me. Words are magic, they cast a spell on me and to read a beautifully structured sentence with meaning arouses me. Writing helps me tell stories and pass time. I can tear you down or build you up with my words. If ever you get a creative block, remember it doesn’t last.

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As a writer, you are presented with two choices, to either write well or perhaps not so well. The choice not to write is not a choice at all.

Till next post, stay creative!

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Sensuality

My soft skin. Baked in the sun, cleansed by the water, kissed by a man, made from love. My lips. Fuller than when the Moon appears fully illuminated from Earth’s perspective. Ready to kiss, slightly parted…heavy from the weight of the secret it holds.  Eyes that are clear and doe-eyed but don’t let them fool you, they bore deep into your soul and have you confessing to me your deepest darkest thoughts.

Careful not to indulge me too long, you will find yourself wanting more of me. I can’t stay too long, my won company turns me on. shower me with love and kisses and bask in the glow of your own capability to love. I am a mirror and what you see is who you are. Who I am should not matter to you as much as who you are. If ever you find yourself lost or wandering, remember how you made people feel, how you saw people and change.

At the height of my sensuality I am a goddess. I am pleasure and pain all wrapped in skin and bones. I am soul, I am divine I am pussy. I am mind and body and lust mixed with passion and selfish intentions. I am woman, bringer of life capable of selflessness. I relish in my never perfect, I am words and emotions and songs. Borne from thousands and thousands of ancestral lovemaking and spilling of seed and intentions of the universe. I am life. I am soul. All things sensual and beautiful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Much Ado About Nothing

This is not in reference to the book by Shakespeare.

Even though I intended for this blog to be about travel it has turned into a sort of public online diary. It hasn’t been easy settling on one particular and I decided that for now there exists enough travel blogs and I am not traveling as much yet. So where does that leave this blog?

Its still pretty young and I will probably categorise and re brand in the future but for Now I am happy with this beautiful mess and I see it as me getting better and better at writing. It also symbolises my being able to stick to something and see it through. Its my little corner of the internet where I hope to make friends and to maybe inspire someone out there with my words.

I want to keep this short and sweet so I leave you all with a quote from Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche,

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.

Don’t settle for anything less than what your best version. Until next time stay true to yourselves.

The unicorn: An African Vegan

“I’m sorry but I could NEVER not eat meat, i’d literally starve to death.” “You are okay with eating animal food?” “What in the world made you decide to go vegan?” Are a few of the ridiculous questions/statements I get when I tell my (majority are) African friends that I am vegan. It does not matter how many times I try to explain, to them it is like I shot myself on the foot and I am choosing to bleed out slowly to death.  I can never explain myself fully without feeling like I am trashing someone else’s diet, which is not the case, my lifestyle choices are just different from yours

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I am not here to judge other people’s choice of food or to try and convert them to becoming vegan/ vegetarian. I am here to try and explain some of the questions I get, so that next time someone asks me about my choices I will simply send them to this blog.

What made you decide to become a vegan?

I didn’t want to admit to watching a documentary about the harsh treatment of animals. But the truth is I did watch a documentary about the harsh treatment of animals. Although, it wasn’t as if that was the first time I thought of becoming a vegan, most of the blogs/vlogs I read were of people who were health conscious and it was something I had always pushed off doing. Nor was the documentary about the treatment of animals in Africa. The one thing that really stuck with me in the documentary was the question of whether or not I was willing to kill an animal for food. The answer was I had never killed a chicken or gone fishing and I decided it wasn’t fair, if I couldn’t bring myself to ever kill an animal I really didn’t deserve to eat it.

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Do you like it/what is it like?

I didn’t. At first. The smell of fried sausages used to drive me insane. I would question my choices in life and take in several deep breaths of that glorious smell, if I couldn’t eat it I was sure as hell going to sniff it. And finding out that my diet largely consisted of meat as the main meal was a hard concept to grasp, I really didn’t now what to eat. But eventually I discovered amazing meals that didn’t need any meat and were pretty damned delicious. The thing about it is, I always associated food with emotions. So at first I would feel bad that I didn’t get to eat meat but now that I know food is to sustain and not to entertain I love eating vegan food.

What do you for meat?

If you are asking me about protein, there’s plenty of plant based protein. And if that sounds yucky to you, well… Its me who is eating it right?

But you are already skinny. You don’t need to diet.

This was never about the size of my body but about being health conscious. The best version of me is well rested, well stretched, well exercised and well fed. We are all trying to live the best that we can and this is the path I chose for me. This is not a diet or a trend, its my lifestyle.

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 Even fish? You should at least eat fish, Its healthy.

Yes even fish.

Do you envy people who eat meat?

No one forced me to go vegan, that was a choice I made for me. So no I do not envy people who eat meat, nor do I harbor any ill feelings towards them.

 

It isn’t our culture.

Which culture is that? Because I belong to many. The African one, the Kenyan one, the Luo (tribal) one, the youth culture. And there is no rule that states we should follow everything our culture states. So no I refuse to be put in your cultural box. I refuse to follow something my heart doesn’t desire simply because I was born and raised by people who follow that certain standard. I set my own fucking standards and as long as I am hurting nobody I will do whatever I please.

Before you ask someone why they are vegan, ask yourself why you aren’t.

It’s Whatever

It really is whatever. Today is one of those days that makes you realise everyday is exactly the same and the concept of time starts to slowly fade away and it doesn’t matter that it’s Wednesday. At least not to the sun that shines the same everyday or the clouds that decide to appear and it might rain, but also it might not rain. To the cat that just wants to be fed or the ant that’s crossing by your leg. The trees will still flow with the wind whether or not it’s the weekend and the flowers will still blossom, they do not choose a particular day.

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When you start to feel more and think less and love more and expect less. The beauty in having no expectations means you are always surprised. And those are lovely. When you go to sleep, don’t hope for a brighter morning for if the rain decides to pour you miss the beauty of the rain, glorious in the morning, you miss the feeling of being cosy and you start to hate the cold. And you curse at it and you have a bad day, simply because things didn’t go your way. Who told you that the weather is pegged to your hopes? You’ll miss the beauty of the sun coming out to play, warming the earth so late in the day.

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Smile through whatever the weather because if you look close enough you can find beauty in the oddest of places. It’s all around you but you have to pay attention. It’s a simple exchange. Pay..attention and in return get to see the wonders of the world. The flower that had not bloomed yesterday, today is more colorful and has opened up its petals wallowing in the glory of its own soul.

Make yourself a cup of tea, but really its whatever.

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Even more Taboos..

Addicted to porn.

I always thought that if I was ever addicted to anything it would be something extreme and a substance, like cocaine. To be fair porn addiction does have its share of messed up side effects but they are a lot more subtle than cocaine. Obviously. I really didn’t know how tell this story, because it felt pretty short. I started watching porn and I got addicted..end of story. I have been trying to finish this particular blog for four days but I keep pushing it because even though I no longer watch porn, I wouldn’t be the first person to speak out against it. It has it perks, everything in moderation.

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This is my addiction story and the effects (I think) I got.

I started to watch porn at a very early age, I must have been around six years. We had an aunt stay with us and she would watch it and have us sit next to her, by that time I already new what masturbation was (Read my story here) and although I knew we were watching naked men and women, it wasn’t till I was older that it begun to make sense. At the time my mind was a little disturbed by those scenes that seemed too vulgar and always looked like the woman was in pain and the man getting pleasure from her pain. Looking back now I am certain we were watching some sort of BDSM porno. As I grew older I got into watching more and more of these films and one day (I can’t remember how) it all just clicked in my mind and I started to get off on the videos.

I noticed that as soon as I had done pleasuring myself the feeling of sadness and emptiness came over me and I could not stand another second of the porn scene. I felt a rush of defeat, a battle between body mind and soul that always saw the desires of the body win only to come crushing down with feelings of doubt and a promise to never do it again. And I didn’t, until the next time was alone. It puzzles me how I never got caught in the act despite us living six people in a two bedroom house, when i say there is NO ROOM for privacy I do not overstate. Maybe someone in the house knew and never mentioned it, I will never know.

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When I went off to university in Malaysia, I had my own room and WiFi 24/7 and earphones, lets not forget the earphones 🙂 That was enough room for me to watch porn anytime I wanted. And I did. I substituted it for breakfast and watched it before going for my classes.  I watched it before going to watch movies at the cinema and after I got back. To help me sleep, because rosemary and lemongrass tea was not enough. It got pretty bad that the time I would watch it increased, I would go on for a whole f**cking hour. Pun intended. And sex became less enjoyable because I had these unrealistic expectations of how it was meant to be. Void of love and care.

There wasn’t one thing that made me stop. First was me admitting to myself that there was such a thing as porn addiction and I had it. bad. Also the sex I had was porn-like, it was with people I didn’t care about and who only liked me for the only thing I thought I had to give to men. It was the fact that when I tried to turn myself on nothing would happen. And finally it was meeting an older woman and her husband, married for over 30 years and still very much in love and in sex, that made me realise I had it all wrong. They taught me that there was a sacredness to sexuality and honoring and loving your body was the way to find true sexual bliss.

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So I took a celibacy pledge and vowed to love myself first before ever letting another soul in me. Letting go of bitterness I didn’t know I was carrying around, finding happiness in the now and living a grateful life. From that moment on my journey of going within to find peace with myself begun. On the plus side, one thing that I learned from watching porn was how to give one hell of a blowjob! 🙂

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I said to my body softly ‘I want to be your friend’ it took a long breath and replied ‘I have been waiting my whole life for this’

 

Taboos: Sexuality

Growing up..

Its 2017 you don’t have to tell me twice. Believe me when I say I know how weird it is to label ‘sex’ as a taboo. Even though it is probably one of the most ancient topics around and there is nothing under the sun that I can add to sex that has not already been discussed. I can however share with you my experience on sexuality and why in the 21st century I still find it a forbidden topic. Lets start with sexuality when I was a child.

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even now I cannot sit with my mum or dad and watch a movie, knowing very well that the chances of there being a sexual (even just kissing) scene is very high. Growing up you would always know when it was coming up, the music would slow down, the girl and boy would draw closer to each other, the tension in the room would build up, and it was palpable! Everyone looking anywhere but the television or standing up to leave the room. I was afraid of being caught staring at the screen because even though I knew my mum would say something along the lines of ‘this isn’t child friendly, you kids should not be watching this’ I lived for the love scenes. I liked the feeling it brought to my ‘down there,’ it was a sweet pleasant feeling of warmth and beautiful desire and although it lasted for a short while, I still made sure to feel every bit of it.Processed with VSCO with p5 preset

From a very young age I was aware of my sexual side, I got aroused and I knew if I rubbed my yoni gently it would bring a sort of release. I started to masturbate at a very young age and that created a sort of confusion in my young mind because I still very much believed and listened to every teaching my parents taught and (even though I did not realise it at the time) they were cultivating an environment where sex was a no go zone topic, anything sexual was buried deep and never really brought up. A taboo. I never got a sex talk, I was never taught that it was okay to like a boy, and being in an all girls catholic school made it worse because fornication was a big word and an even bigger offense to God.

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Still I continued to pleasure myself and found that porn was the fastest way to this, and it would take me years to finally ditch my addiction to porn. The thing about forbidden fruits is that you keep going back for more,the feeling of rebellion is almost as delightful as an orgasm. Something happens though, as you grow up you start to form your own opinions and if they contradict that of your parents it creates and identity crisis. It took me a long time to finally come to this place of acceptance, my pleasure is mine and respectfully I choose to explore my sexual nature, starting by releasing all the lessons unknowingly taught to me that i should be ashamed of and hide my sexuality.

I would really like to know where you are from and how sexuality was growing up for you. Until next post.. 🙂